I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
