remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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