i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
