She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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