my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
there is puke in my bra ... again
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
