She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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