Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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