So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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