Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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