The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
