The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
