Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
