I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
