Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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