Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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