Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
