From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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