She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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