there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
