so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.