I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza