dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.