my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
