The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
