nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
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I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
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He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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