and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
