So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
