I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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