i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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