I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
