Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
