He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
