I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
