i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
