This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
