Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
