This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
