update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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