About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
