If that was your dad, he is hot
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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