Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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