Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
