Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
