His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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