i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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