Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
