Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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