It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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