Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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