he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
