Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
