Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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