You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
