Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Watching her eat just hurts me
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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