Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
