I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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