It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
