You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
