bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
